100 Days (Wait, what am I doing?)

I am terrified of making commitments, especially because I am scared to make promises that I am not sure that I will be able to keep.  The first Texas 4000 meeting that I went to just about gave me a panic attack.  We're supposed to do what?  Ride bicycles for seventy days all the way from Texas to Alaska?  Don't they know that planes fly there?

I was scared that I would find a reason to quit the organization; after all, this was ludicrous!  I was scared of all that I signed up to do, from volunteering thirty hours last semester to all of the training that would be required this semester.  I was scared to let myself down, and I was scared that I would regret not going on the ride.  One year ago, Texas 4000 sent out a sign-up sheet to all of their 2013 riders to figure out when we would stand in front of our teammates and tell them "Why I Ride."  I got to the sheet after a lot of other people had already filled it out, and what I saw were a few open slots in the spring of 2013 (over a year after the sheet was passed out,) and one opening the next meeting.  I was worried that if I waited to open up to my team for over a year, that I would have time to reconsider my commitment.  Mostly, though, my thinking was that I wouldn't be able to quit after standing in front of ninety other people and told them why I rode.

So I did it.  I was the very first person on my team to stand up in front of the group and tell them.  I only knew a handful of people, but I let myself be vulnerable to a roomful of strangers that would soon turn into my best friends.  I talked about both of my grandmothers.  I talked about my high school Spanish teacher.  I talked about my uncle.  And I told them about David.  I poured open my heart to this room full of people who were all there for the same reasons that I was.  We have all been affected by cancer, and we all want to do something about it.

Planning my wedding to James has given me even more resolve to ride this summer.  I ride for the man that would have been my father-in-law.  I ride for my future children's grandfather.  I've cried when I think about our wedding day, because not everybody that we love can be there.  Cancer sucks, and I want to do something about it.

This ride is scary, of course I'm frightened!  In 100 days we're going to tell our bodies to ride every. single. day.  It's going to be hard, and we won't be the same after this summer.  I'm terrified, but even more importantly I am determined.  I am determined to wake up every morning, and kick cancer's ass.